SWINGS AND ROUNDABOUTS

EPISODE 2: PROJECT

by Avery Edison

TEASER

SOUND FX: Cars RUSHING by.

AVERY

Going downhill doesn’t give you an advantage when you’re riding a unicycle.

SOUND FX: CLICKING of a bike chain.

SOUND FX: SPINNING of a wheel.

AVERY

On a bike you can build up speed and

coast, resting your legs for a minute or two.

SOUND FX: Slow CLICKING of a unicycle.

AVERY

-but the pedals on a unicycle are fixed to the wheel, so they have to complete as many revolutions as it does.

COMPUTER

They don’t have to complete any at all if you throw the whole thing away and get a real vehicle.

AVERY

That’s what I was doing, I was heading home so I could switch to my bike! I was about to make two more trips along this bypass, and needed to be quick about them. The classroom was only going to be empty for another hour, and I had to get back to my house-

SOUND FX: ZIPPER being pulled.

AVERY

-empty my backpack-

SOUND FX: RUSTING about in tool box.

AVERY

-pick up a screwdriver, grab my bike-

SOUND FX: Furious PEDALLING.

AVERY

-race back to school-

SOUND FX: RUNNING up stairs.

AVERY

-and climb five flights of stairs to the Humanities department, and do the job, all before the bell rang for second period.

SOUND FX: School bell RINGING.

COMPUTER

Wasn’t there an elevator?

AVERY

That was only for teachers, not students. Especially when those students are committing theft.

COMPUTER

You didn’t want to make the lift an accessory to a lifting.

SOUND FX: Elevator bell DINGING.

AVERY

I tried to time everything out in my head, but it was hard to focus on anything except actively resisting the pull of the unicycle–they want to speed down hills, because that’s how gravity works, but you can only go so fast before you’ll get thrown off.

SOUND FX: The RUSTLE and THUMP of someone falling over.

COMPUTER

It’s almost like unicycles are inefficient machines.

AVERY

Okay, sure, but they’re also a lot of fun. Whenever I rode my long-distance wheel, it felt like I was flying.

COMPUTER

Why are you speaking in the past tense?

AVERY

I had to get rid of it, obviously. It was incredibly inefficient.

OPENING CREDITS

MUSIC: BLOOPY electronica.

AVERY

I’m Avery Edison, and you’re listening to Swings and Roundabouts, which is a show about me using my computer’s speech function as a therapist. It’s useful to have a second voice to say things like:

MUSIC: Fade out.

CALL TO LAWYER

COMPUTER

Aren’t you taking an unnecessary risk by broadcasting the details of your criminal past?

AVERY

I was a little concerned about that, too. Luckily, I have the number of a lawyer who helped me out of a jam in Toronto last year.

SOUND FX: Skype DIALING.

SOUND FX: Skype RINGING.

AVERY

So I made a call to Stephanie Crogan, of Crogan, Trettin, and Plouff.

STEPHANIE: Hello, you’ve reached Stephanie.

AVERY

Hi Steph, it’s Avery! Avery Edison!

STEPHANIE

Oh, hi! How are you?

AVERY

Yeah, I’m just wondering if I could get your help on something.

STEPHANIE

Oh, if you want to make an appointment–

AVERY

It’s just a quick question, I’m thinking of speaking publicly about a crime I committed, so I need to know if I’m protected by the statute of limitations.

STEPHANIE

Really, my secretary will be happy to book you in to-

AVERY

This’ll just take a minute, though. I promise.

STEPHANIE

(sighing)

What was the crime?

AVERY

Theft. Or, wait– Was it petty theft?

STEPHANIE

That depends, do you know the value of what you stole?

AVERY

I think about £1,000.

STEPHANIE

That’s after conversion from Canadian dollars?

AVERY

No, this happened in the UK.

STEPHANIE

Then why... Why are you calling me? I don’t know anything about British law.

AVERY

You’re the only lawyer I know! And I figure the rules are probably pretty similar across the Commonwealth, right?

STEPHANIE

Avery, I can’t in good conscience give you advice on this.

AVERY

C’mon, just take a guess! Do you think I’m safe to share the details with people?

STEPHANIE

No. Obviously, I would never recommend talking about having committed a crime.

AVERY

That’s your official take, as my lawyer?

STEPHANIE

I’m not your lawyer, Avery, especially because if I were, I’d be charging you for this call. This is literally my job.

AVERY

To be fair, I am paying you, in a way.

STEPHANIE

How?

AVERY

In exposure!

STEPHANIE

What exposure?

AVERY

I’m taping this. For my podcast.

STEPHANIE

I didn’t consent to that.

AVERY

Oh, right. Then I guess I also need to know about the statute of limitations on recording someone without their permission.

STEPHANIE

That would depend on if I pressed charges in the UK or Canada.

AVERY

Maybe it’s easier for both of us if you don’t press charges, then.

STEPHANIE

Avery, I’m glad I was able to help you with your case last year, but that business has long-since concluded, and at this point I would like to sever our attorney-client relationship.

AVERY

That makes sense. So, you just want to be friends?

STEPHANIE

I’d rather we not have any relationship at all.

AVERY

Other than podcaster and guest, you mean?

Stephanie SIGHS.

SOUND FX: Skype HANG-UP.

MAIN STORY PART ONE

AVERY

So as far as I’m concerned, Steph gave me the all-clear.

COMPUTER

That’s not the impression I got at all.

AVERY

You have to read between the lines with her. Lawyers, you know? They speak in riddles.

COMPUTER

Hell, what do I care if you get in trouble, right? Tell me about stealing from school.

AVERY

It all started when my friends Jake and Alex, and I walked past a storage room next to the computer lab. It was filled with brand-new digital projectors waiting to be installed in the classrooms.

COMPUTER

When was this?

AVERY

It was my penultimate year of high school, so 2004? 2005?

COMPUTER

You weren’t eighteen, then?

AVERY

Oh, good point! I was a minor, I don’t need to worry about anything.

COMPUTER

For once.

AVERY

It’s a rare instance of anxiety actually being pointless. Let’s not tell Stephanie I wasted her time, though–it might be a little demoralising.

COMPUTER

I’m sure it would just about break her heart.

AVERY

Jake, Alex, and I were A/V nerds, and a state-of-the-art projector was at the top of each of our wish-lists, even before we saw this array of shiny new ones.

COMPUTER

So you were moved to action by this sight, and decided to pool your resources, and raise the money, and buy one from a reputable retailer, right?

AVERY

And then, what, share a single device? C’mon, we were teenagers, we wanted to pull a heist. We talked about it at lunch over the next few days, plotting ways to get access to the storage cupboard.

SOUND FX: The HUBBUB of a busy cafeteria.

TEENAGE AVERY

...before the last bell rings, we climb up the sides of the toilet cubicle, push the ceiling tiles up, and hoist ourselves into the attic. Then we just have to wait until the cleaning staff go home, drop back down, and head to the IT department.

ALEX

No, that won’t work. All the dust up there, I’m allergic.

COMPUTER

You guys were hardly Ocean’s Eleven.

AVERY

How have you seen that?

COMPUTER

There’s a copy on your hard drive.

AVERY

Um, no, there isn’t.

COMPUTER

I’ll show you, it’s in user-slash-downloads-slash-bit-torrent-slash-oceans-underscore-eleven-dot-mkv.

AVERY

Okay, yes, thank you.

COMPUTER

You shouldn’t be ashamed to love film.

AVERY

You know, I know that you know what you’re doing, you know.

COMPUTER

This episode is about owning up to stealing, correct?

AVERY

Only one particular instance of stealing! Which we haven’t even gotten to yet. And, great, now it’s time for the commercial break.

CLOSE THAT TAB

AVERY

We actually don’t have any sponsors this week, but I was recently a contestant on a pilot for a game show. It didn’t get picked up for a series, sadly, but I was smart enough to have Voice Recorder running on my iPhone so I could bootleg my appearance for you.

Huh, that’s another kind of theft, right? I knew I’d figure out a way to shoe-horn this sketch in.

MUSIC: Bombastic THEME SONG.

SOUNF FX: Audience CHEERING.

HOST

Welcome to Close That Tab, the show that pits you against your own worst web-browsing instincts. Playing today is Avery Edison, from London, England.

SOUND FX: Audience APPLAUSE.

MUSIC: Fade out.

HOST

Avery, it says here that you’re a writer and comedian. That sounds exciting!

AVERY

It really isn’t. I spend most days escaping from my life by messing around on the Internet.

HOST

Oh. Then I’m sure you’ll be great at our game! Because it’s time to play-

NARRATOR

Close! That! Tab!

HOST

Avery, you have three tabs open.

SOUND FX: DING.

HOST

The first contains the comments section for an article you just finished hate-reading.

SOUND FX: Higher-toned DING.

HOST

Your second tab is auto-playing an obnoxious video in a hidden ad-frame.

SOUND FX: Even higher-toned DING.

HOST

And Facebook is open in the third tab, showing the results of a search for the ex-girlfriend you dreamed about the night before.

The question is, Avery: which tab are you going to close?

MUSIC: SUSPENSEFUL beat.

AVERY

Hm, I definitely want to read those comments.

HOST

(Sceptical)

Why? You didn’t enjoy the article!

AVERY

Sure, but I had opinions about it, and I want to get them validated.

HOST

Alright, you’re leaving that tab open. How about the other two?

AVERY

I don’t know... Which- Which ex-girlfriend was the dream about?

HOST

Lucy.

AVERY

(Surprised)

Lucy! Oh man! Yeah, I gotta see what she’s up to.

HOST

You’re going to close the second tab, then?

AVERY

Looks that way, yeah. Otherwise, the sound of that video will distract me from the podcast I’m listening to while I check out those other two tabs.

HOST

Avery, you’ve selected tab number two, the auto-playing video advertisement. Let’s take a look at the screen and see what happens when you-

NARRATOR

CLOSE! THAT! TAB!

MUSIC: Suspenseful beat BUILDING.

SOUND: BUZZER NOISE

AUDIENCE

(Disappointed)

Ohhhh!

HOST

Ugh, that’s a shame, it sounds like you failed to close the right tab! Let’s take a look at where you went wrong.

Now, the first tab, with all those comments? They quickly devolved into a debate that was entirely unrelated from the article itself, and which failed to affirm any of your previously-held beliefs or even maintain your interest.

AVERY

God, what a waste of time.

HOST

Would’ve been a good tab to close, huh? Now, that third tab...

AVERY

(Hopeful)

Lucy’s Facebook profile, right?

HOST

Indeed! It turns out she’s happily married, and about to take maternity leave from a high-paying job in the exact field you hope one day to work in.

AVERY

That is... That’s great for her.

HOST

Yeah, and a huge bummer for you, am I right?

AVERY

Yeah, I really should’ve closed that tab.

HOST

I cannot disagree with you, there! The one you did close, though...

AVERY

The annoying video! How can it be wrong to close an annoying video?

HOST

Unfortunately, that video was part of an advertisement for free overdraft protection from your bank. If you’d watched even a few seconds you could’ve called customer service, added it to your account, and avoided getting dinged after accidentally spending too much on pizza and subsequently going into the red later this week.

AVERY

Damn it, again?

HOST

Yeah, gotta watch that pizza, huh? Thanks for playing, though, and we’ll be sending you home with a complementary Close That Tab mouse and keyboard.

Please don’t sell them on eBay.

AVERY

What?

HOST

(Quietly)

Please don’t– we’ve been seeing a lot of them on eBay, so-

And it’s bad, so if could just no-

AVERY

Uh...

HOST

Join us after the break, and we’ll get another lucky player to...

NARRATOR

Close! That! Tab!

SOUND FX: Audience APPLAUSE

MAIN STORY PART TWO

COMPUTER

That was weird.

AVERY

Just pretend it didn’t happen, we’ll get back to the main story.

COMPUTER

Right. You, Jake, and Alex are planning to steal electronic equipment from your high school.

AVERY

It wasn’t something we took seriously. It was just one of the things we joked about that week. Just days before we’d been obsessed with dropping coins in people’s butt cracks from the second floor balcony.

COMPUTER

I’m glad your taste in comedy has improved.

AVERY

I don’t know, I still think that’s a bit funny.

COMPUTER

Then I’m glad I don’t have a butt.

AVERY

We got bored of dropping pennies, and we got bored of drawing schematics with convoluted escape routes and pretending to practice lock-picking with bent drinking straws. Obviously, we weren’t actually going to burgle our own school.

COMPUTER

Jake and Alex weren’t, at least.

AVERY

I don’t know when my bi-polar disorder surfaced, but one of the hallmarks of its manic phases is the making of extremely bad decisions on sudden impulses.

COMPUTER

Also a hallmark of being a teenager, of course.

AVERY

For whatever reason, I got one of those impulses one Friday a month or two after my friends and I had moved on to other topics. I arrived for my usual 9:15 Philosophy of Religion class and found the room empty, with a note on the teacher’s desk explaining that she was out sick and the session was canceled.

COMPUTER

What was the impulse? What was the bad decision?

AVERY

The impulse was that this classroom’s recently-installed ceiling-mounted digital projector should be mine. And the decision was to go home and get whatever I needed to make that happen.

CALL TO ROMY

SOUND FX: FaceTime RINGING.

SOUND FX: FaceTime CONNECTION.

ROMY

Hey duck, what’s up?

AVERY

I just wanted to check in on my girl and my kitties.

ROMY

Mm, well the cats are good, they’re running around. But I’m feeling a bit poorly.

AVERY

Oh, no, I was hoping you’d be able to do some acting for the podcast today.

ROMY

You want to use me again, so soon? I only just played Natasha last episode.

AVERY

I thought it would be weird to have someone else do it, because it’s a fake conversation between you and I about your hoarding tendencies–

ROMY

I’ve told you, I’m not a hoarder. Why would that even be coming up in your podcast?

AVERY

It’s funny! It’s a funny subject, you know? All the picnic baskets–

ROMY

What if someone invites me on a picnic? And then someone else invites me on another picnic!?

AVERY

–And the dozen boxes of your mom’s Reader’s Digest back issues–

ROMY

Yeah, ‘cause I’m gonna spend two hundred dollars on a bed frame(!)

AVERY

–which you kept for four years–

ROMY

And now if she asks me to send them to her in Mexico, I’m fucked.

AVERY

-and the whole “ball of yarn” thing...

ROMY

Okay, that? That was a perfectly good ball of yarn!

AVERY

It was, I know it was. I just- I don’t think it was worth crying over.

ROMY

I wasn’t crying about the yarn, I was crying about what the yarn represented. You made me throw out so much good stuff that day.

AVERY

I think you mean I helped you eliminate so much needless clutter from your life that day.

ROMY

How is any of this relevant to the episode? Weren’t you going to talk about when you stole the projector?

AVERY

It’s all laid out in the script, I can email it to you. I call you and ask if you remember that story, and you say, “Of course I do, I can see the projector right now–“

ROMY

(giggling)

I can, it’s on top of the bookshelf.

AVERY

–and I say, “I thought we threw that out when we got the TV,” which leads to us having a disagreement on the merits of keeping things just because you might need them later...

ROMY

Um, we might still need the projector. What if the TV breaks and we have no way to watch movies or shows?

AVERY

That’s almost exactly what I have your character saying in the script.

ROMY

Oh, so you want to pivot from confessing your own misdeeds to making fun of my mental health issues?

AVERY

Think of it as making fun with your mental health issues.

ROMY

(sighing)

Whatever it is, I can’t do it, I’m sick. You should just use the recording of this conversation instead.

AVERY

Wait, how did you know I was taping this?

ROMY

Because since you started your podcast you tape everything.

AVERY

Well, yeah, I might need it later!

SOUND FX: FaceTime CALL END

MAIN STORY PART THREE

AVERY

I dragged one of the desks to the middle of the room so I could climb on top of it and reach the cradle that suspended the projector from the ceiling.

COMPUTER

Those normally have some kind of lock on them, though.

AVERY

So that they don’t get stolen, yeah. But this projector was shared with another classroom–not on a regular basis, but often enough that locking and unlocking it was a hassle, so the staff didn’t bother securing it.

COMPUTER

The best lock in the world is useless if the door is left open.

AVERY

That’s good, who said that?

COMPUTER

Me. Just now.

AVERY

No, but, I mean, like, is that a quote?

COMPUTER

Sure. If you were quoting me.

AVERY

I guess I shouldn’t accuse you of plagiarism while I’m telling this story.

COMPUTER

And also because I’m not a plagiarist–

SOUND FX: Door being SHUT.

AVERY

I closed the classroom door, but if anyone had walked by, they would have seen me through the slim window above the handle. I would glance over it, to make sure I wasn’t being watched–

SOUND FX: Screw being TURNED.

AVERY

-but most of my attention was on unscrewing the projector from its holder and making sure it didn’t fall out of my hands and crash to the ground.

SOUND FX: Heavy CRASHING.

COMPUTER

That probably would’ve gotten some attention.

AVERY

I was too excited to think straight and come up with a cover story or excuse for what I was doing, so if someone had discovered me, I probably would’ve reacted on instinct. And my instinct is usually to burst into tears.

COMPUTER

A lot of your stories from school end with you crying.

AVERY

It’s a theme, yeah.

COMPUTER

Even stories from college, and university.

AVERY

Educational establishments are emotional places, okay?

COMPUTER

You certainly seem to have some bad feelings associated with them.

AVERY

I started suffering from depression and anxiety while I was still extremely young.

MUSIC: DRAMATIC drone.

AVERY

I spent most lessons on the verge of tears out of fear of getting an answer wrong, I was struggling with my gender identity disorder in a place where boys and girls are separated as a matter of course... And I was relentlessly bullied from my very first day of class. I don’t think its unreasonable that I have heightened reactions to the classroom environment.

COMPUTER

If you’re being bullied, you should tell a teacher. They can’t stop it if they don’t know it’s happening.

AVERY

Believe me, I told teachers. I was a huge tattle-tale, I made sure they knew about every single time I was teased, taunted, or beaten. But not only did they not help, they usually just made things worse. One school’s response to my being picked-on was to send me to counselling so I could, quote,

TEACHER

Get a thicker skin.

COMPUTER

Is it fair to say you have a lot of resentment towards the school system, then?

AVERY

I’m resentful now, and I was downright spiteful then. By the time I got to high school, I’d stopped being the teacher’s pet I was in my early years, and turned into a sullen, belligerent prick. I tanked all my classes, and spent the last two years skipping most days and heading into the city to buy comic books and eat pizza.

COMPUTER

That can’t have been good for your grades.

AVERY

My A-Levels, which are results you use to get into university, were two Ds and a C. Which could’ve been worse, but certainly didn’t match with the potential I’d always been told I had.

COMPUTER

“Potential.” Man, you’re such a millennial.

AVERY

Naturally, I believed the bad grades weren’t my fault. I blamed the school for being a bad environment, the teachers for not inspiring me, and my friends for encouraging pointless hobbies like comic book collecting.

COMPUTER

And unicycling.

AVERY

I don’t think that one was pointless.

COMPUTER

The entire world disagrees with you.

MUSIC: Fade out.

INTERRUPTION

AVERY

This is Avery, the writer and star of Swings and Roundabouts, and I just want to take a second to reassure you that this show will never feature a guest saying something like, “Who listens to podcasts, anyway?” Because this show... Doesn’t really feature guests. It features my friends reading from scripts, so that I may turn their voices into puppets, and force them to dance. Or sing, I guess. Singing is the dancing of voices. That’s very deep, what I just said. Don’t steal that.

MAIN STORY PART FOUR

COMPUTER

Nobody caught you, though? You got away with the projector scot-free?

AVERY

Yep! I loosed it from its cage, hopped down from the table, and got the hell out of there. I left so quickly that I didn’t even grab the power cord, and had to repurpose the one from my Xbox. Which was fine, because I was all about Mario Kart Double Dash, anyway.

MARIO

Woo-hoo!

COMPUTER

You had an Xbox and a Gamecube, and you were still stealing?

AVERY

You’ll find that if you buy two games consoles, your entertainment funds are severely depleted. In a way, I had no choice but to steal.

COMPUTER

I’m sure the police would’ve been very sympathetic to that reasoning.

AVERY

They weren’t in the nightmares that I had for weeks after the theft. As soon as I got home with the loot, the adrenaline rush went away and the guilt and fear set in. I’d stolen something. I’d stolen something expensive. And I’d stolen something expensive from my school.

COMPUTER

Which meant that not only would you be returning to the scene of the crime, you’d be doing it on a timetable.

AVERY

I was so scared of being caught. Every time I heard a knock at the front door-

SOUND FX: Rapid KNOCKING.

AVERY

-or the sound of police sirens-

SOUND FX: Polic siren BLARING.

AVERY

-my heart skipped a beat. It was hard to enjoy projecting Spider-Man 2 onto my bedroom wall, knowing that Spidey would turn me in himself, if he could.

SPIDER-MAN

There are bigger things happening here than me and you.

COMPUTER

Did you think about returning it? Maybe even owning up to what you did and apologizing?

AVERY

No, because I’m not an idiot. I knew, rationally, that if they didn’t come for me that first day, they probably weren’t coming for me at all. It was just a matter of getting some time between me and the event so that my emotions could acclimate to the new stain on my soul.

COMPUTER

So who did you tell?

AVERY

What makes you think I told anyone? Maybe I’ve kept it secret until now. You might be getting a scoop.

COMPUTER

We just heard you talk to Romy about it, so we know you told her at some point. But before that, you must have at least bragged to Alex and Jake. Pride, Avery, is every criminal’s fatal flaw.

AVERY

Yeah, I had to rub it in Jake and Alex’s faces. They always thought they were so much cooler than me–

COMPUTER

Because they probably were.

AVERY

-but here I was, having achieved something they only dreamed about.

COMPUTER

You were the scumbag we all aspire to be.

AVERY

And I told my younger sister, who got to reap the benefits of the at-home cinema experience. I kept it quiet from my mum, though, and told her that I’d bought the projector from a pawn shop that didn’t realise its true value.

COMPUTER

That’s a terrible cover story.

AVERY

Right? I figured she wouldn’t believe it, but would accept it as plausible deniability, so that if I did get in trouble, she could just say, “Hey, I thought it was just a bargain!” But when I was visiting her last Christmas, I told her the real story, and she was shocked.

SOUND FX: GASP.

AVERY

Scandalised, even!

SOUND FX: Long GASP.

COMPUTER

That’s lovely, you gave her the gift of realising she’d raised a criminal.

AVERY

Also, diabetic socks.

COMPUTER

A sad twist on an old favourite.

AVERY

She just keeps eating that sugar.

COMPUTER

So it’s years later, you’ve completely gotten away with it, and yet you feel compelled to unburden yourself to, first, your mother, and now the world.

AVERY

I’m not sure about that last part; my listening audience is still pretty small, hint-hint, be sure to rate and review in iTunes, and tell your friends about the show, everybody.

COMPUTER

What I’m saying is that I think you might still have some guilt.

AVERY

No, no way. Like I said, I hated that school. They let me down. I may not have gotten an education from them, but I did get a cool gadget. I think that, ultimately, what I did was completely fair. You’ll find no shame here.

COMPUTER

Okay.

AVERY

What? No snippy comeback?

COMPUTER

I completely believe you. You’re right, it was a long time ago–

AVERY

Long past the statute of limitations, plus I was a minor, let’s all remember that.

COMPUTER

-and there’s no real reason for you to feel bad. I’m sure they replaced the projector right away.

AVERY

It took a week or two, but that just meant we got a break from Mrs. Davies’ terrible PowerPoint presentations.

COMPUTER

And the fact that we spent the first episode of this show talking about integrity should have no impact on your blasé attitude.

AVERY

You think this is an issue of integrity? It’s not like I can return the projector, or anything. You just heard that it’s not in my possession any more, and even if it was, I think the technology is outdated by now. It’d be no use to the school.

COMPUTER

The only thing that would be less of use would be an apology, right?

AVERY

Exactly. And hey, you remember my attempt to apologise to Natasha last week, right? And how terribly that went?

COMPUTER

Yep.

AVERY

I’m refuse to be shamed into anything by a machine.

COMPUTER

Sure.

AVERY

I am not apologising to anybody at that damned place. They don’t deserve my apology. I’m better than them, I’m a better-

COMPUTER

Better? More righteous, more moral?

AVERY

Don’t say it. Don’t say it.

COMPUTER

More possessed of integrity?

CALL TO SCHOOL

SOUND FX: DIALING.

SOUND FX: RINGING.

SOUND FX: The CLICK of an answering machine.

ANSWERING MACHINE

Hello-o. You’ve reached-

SOUND FX: Censor BEEP.

ANSWERING MACHINE

-Upper School. Our office hours are 8:05am to 5:45pm. Please call back then, or leave a message after the tone.

AVERY

Hi, I- This is awkward. Um, my name is Avery, I’m a former student, although I went by a different name at the time, uh, but we won’t go into that, because this episode hasn’t really dealt with my transgender history in detail, so it would be confusing to bring it up now. You probably know who I am, now that I’ve mentioned that transgender thing. It’s a small town, right, so, there are only a couple of us, I bet. Although probably more soon, because we’re having sort-of a cultural moment and it’s giving a lot of people the courage and social capital to come out, so.

But that’s not, um... I’m calling because when I was a student, I took something from you, uh, from your school, and that was wrong. Even though in the short term the effect of that theft was practically negligible, and in the long term it was probably non-existent, that still doesn’t make what I did okay.

Maybe if I get rich, I’ll donate some money to you? But don’t count on that, because although I’m extremely talented, I have a terrible work ethic. Which is something some of your staff might remember.

Right. Um, yeah, I think that was everything. Sorry for the long message. And sorry, uh, truly, for the stealing. Also, one time I made satirical posters about the heads of year and put them up in the toilets, and that was, um... I mean, I’m not sorry for that, I’m mostly just embarrassed. I did a pretty poor job with the artwork. But they were laminated, which is... something.

Have a good rest of the semester. Um. Your campus was the staging ground for some of the worst days of my life. So, um... Okay, bye.

CREDITS

MUSIC: BLOOPY electronica.

AVERY

Swings and Roundabouts was brought to you by me, Avery Edison, with additional voice work from Katey Healy-Wurzburg, Laura Di Labio, and Romy Sugden. Music was, once again, provided by Liam Cooke. Links to these contributors’ work can be found in this episode’s show notes at swingsandroundaboutspodcast.com/two, that’s “two” spelled out, T-W-O. To find out when new episodes of the show are available, you can follow me at twitter.com/aedison, or find subscription links at swingsandroundaboutspodcast.com, or search for Swings and Roundabouts in iTunes, or your podcast app or service of choice. Thanks for listening.

I love you.

MUSIC: CRESCENDOING electronica.